I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
This made me chuckle.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.