Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“A little help here, Danny?”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?