[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A friend sent me this.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*