[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second