ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.