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Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
japanese corn
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
buys donuts instead
wow he looks just like him
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.