reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
cyclists
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.