You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt