Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
The Backseat Boys
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Labreador
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
This is my emotional support knife.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.