If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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