Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that