People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Mad Max Arctic Road
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.