Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Poetry is my passion
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.