Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
These 3D printers are insane!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.