The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
he was correct
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.