“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.