“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.