Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that