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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations