Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
You Might Also Like
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.