my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 馃檪
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i鈥檒l leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
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You鈥檙e doing a great job looking at your phone
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Sorry I didn鈥檛 do something sooner, I just couldn鈥檛 tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: Of all my kids, you鈥檙e my favorite
12: I鈥檓 your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won鈥檛 keep you in the top spot for long
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn鈥檛 left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Florida man
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
She鈥檚 a 10鈥ut sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Professor X: what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that鈥檚 not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn鈥檛 actually FBI it still is in my head and I鈥檓 rethinking every conversation I鈥檝e ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[at my funeral]
boss : you鈥檙e LATE
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
them: ok so we鈥檝e developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph