HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED