I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You Might Also Like
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.