According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
😆this is so true
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you