I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)