[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
me 2 months after i graduated
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
never ask a starfish for directions
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form