If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.