When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
is this a warning or an offer?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My flabber has been gasted.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.