I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Put a ring on it
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Social Media and Real life
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.