For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.