If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”