If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.