This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up