Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it