Mad Max: Furry Road
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
This story is comedy gold 😂
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19