I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I laughed at this way too hard.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.