Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
You Might Also Like
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.