IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
just left a huge legacy in there