Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You Might Also Like
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.