you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
watergate? u mean a dam??
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.