Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.