[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
yea so i messed up lol