I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?