[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Worst perfume name ever.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.