government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water