My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.