Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
You Might Also Like
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”