Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
You Might Also Like
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
me
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!