If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”