ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
This line from Airplane.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person